Oh, the days in between...
I used to be a devout journal enthusiast. For years I wrote at least three pages upon awakening, and in all honestly, it was a reliable and--I'm looking for the word here that doesn't seem to want to be coaxed from whatever fold or crevice is hiding the file where it resides...informative? educational? illuminating?--blueprint for how I lived my life, a clue to why I did what I did and the circumstances of life that seemed either to propel it or thwart it. I could look at the events of say, a three-month period and chart the progress or the falling off and see what things actually caused it.
Of course, I know what causes most triumphs or failure in life--one's attitude and outlook--but to see it in irrefutable black and white is quite another story. It's a shock to the system, because it denies you the opportunity to pawn off the fruits of your labor, or lack thereof, on external forces. The world did this to me, you say, the world fucked me over. Actually, the world did nothing of the sort, you just choose to see it that way. Usually what you give out you get right back in kind. It's called the law of physics, and though I'm not scientifically inclined, I clearly understand the principle of an opposite and equal reaction for each action taken in the universe. Or, put in another, ecclessiastic way, what ye shall reap so shall ye sow.
This journal writing ceased, however, about three years ago. My thoughts were still causing me considerable anguish but it was my body that was attacked by a disease that threatened to kill me, and although I never once considered that it actually would, I was forced to take steps that made my body very sick before it killed off the disease (hopefully forever, knock wood.). In the meantime, I stopped writing in my daily journal because I had a hard time concentrating on anything that didn't need immediate attention. Three years later I'm trying to fill in the blank spaces in order to make a blueprint of that time that seems lost to me. Suddenly it seems very important to try to make sense of that time and to see it helps me in my daily life today where I feel unexpectedly adrift.
So, here's my mantra: fill in the missing space and be accountable as to how I'm living my life today.
That said, I think I'll have to change the name of my blog.
Of course, I know what causes most triumphs or failure in life--one's attitude and outlook--but to see it in irrefutable black and white is quite another story. It's a shock to the system, because it denies you the opportunity to pawn off the fruits of your labor, or lack thereof, on external forces. The world did this to me, you say, the world fucked me over. Actually, the world did nothing of the sort, you just choose to see it that way. Usually what you give out you get right back in kind. It's called the law of physics, and though I'm not scientifically inclined, I clearly understand the principle of an opposite and equal reaction for each action taken in the universe. Or, put in another, ecclessiastic way, what ye shall reap so shall ye sow.
This journal writing ceased, however, about three years ago. My thoughts were still causing me considerable anguish but it was my body that was attacked by a disease that threatened to kill me, and although I never once considered that it actually would, I was forced to take steps that made my body very sick before it killed off the disease (hopefully forever, knock wood.). In the meantime, I stopped writing in my daily journal because I had a hard time concentrating on anything that didn't need immediate attention. Three years later I'm trying to fill in the blank spaces in order to make a blueprint of that time that seems lost to me. Suddenly it seems very important to try to make sense of that time and to see it helps me in my daily life today where I feel unexpectedly adrift.
So, here's my mantra: fill in the missing space and be accountable as to how I'm living my life today.
That said, I think I'll have to change the name of my blog.
posted by Kim Carlson at
6:06 PM
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